It is 11:43 on the 9th of February, 2015. My hands are shaking, my heart is racing and I have just clicked the ‘submit application’ button. If everything goes right I should be returning to college this year. But to be perfectly honest, I’m terrified.
The thing is I can’t tell what I’m scared of. I want to go back to college. I enjoy this course. But I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not actually well enough to return. I hate having to admit that what I have is technically a disability. I hate having to admit that for once I might actually need help. But the one thing I hate more than anything else, is that I’m trying to use my illness as a reason to not go back this year. I’ve ticked all the boxes. I’ve told the college I need help. Hopefully I should be able to do the course even if I can’t make it to all the classes.
The thing I’m scared of the most is that I’m using my illness as an excuse because I don’t think I’m good enough at graphic design to study it. Which is ridiculous and I know it. You go to college to learn something and get better at it. I’ve actually seen an improvement in my work over the last few years. And yet there is a small voice inside my head going “everyone is better than you, whats the point in even trying if someone else will do better work”.
I know what I need to do. I need to take some advice from Ben Folds Five.