Do It Anyway

It is 11:43 on the 9th of February, 2015. My hands are shaking, my heart is racing and I have just clicked the ‘submit application’ button. If everything goes right I should be returning to college this year. But to be perfectly honest, I’m terrified.

The thing is I can’t tell what I’m scared of. I want to go back to college. I enjoy this course. But I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not actually well enough to return. I hate having to admit that what I have is technically a disability. I hate having to admit that for once I might actually need help. But the one thing I hate more than anything else, is that I’m trying to use my illness as a reason to not go back this year. I’ve ticked all the boxes. I’ve told the college I need help. Hopefully I should be able to do the course even if I can’t make it to all the classes.

The thing I’m scared of the most is that I’m using my illness as an excuse because I don’t think I’m good enough at graphic design to study it. Which is ridiculous and I know it. You go to college to learn something and get better at it. I’ve actually seen an improvement in my work over the last few years. And yet there is a small voice inside my head going “everyone is better than you, whats the point in even trying if someone else will do better work”.

I know what I need to do. I need to take some advice from Ben Folds Five.

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65 Responses to “Do It Anyway”

  1. Iridescent Spirits

    Don’t listen to that voice! πŸ˜‰ It always says the same. You can do it. And if someone is better? So what? You still can create something that no one is able to do, only you. So go for it! πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  2. oawoodward

    Good luck with going back to school! The important thing to remember is that you should be at college because you enjoy what you study, not necessarily to be the best at it. As long as you’re enjoying it, and seeing personal improvement, who cares if someone else does something better. Besides, everything is subjective – someone else probably thinks your work is better than theirs!

    Reply
  3. Holly

    Something I always think about when I’m afraid is – take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go. Take things at your own speed, don’t compare yourself to others and enjoy yourself.

    Reply
  4. Magpiemakingdo

    You got this! The thing about the creative arts like this is that there will always be someone out there “better” than you in your mind. The key is to either not worry about it and just keep focusing on your own improvement, or to use it as motivation and as a goal to work towards. From what I’ve seen on here you’ve got total talent – you can do this! =D

    Reply
      • Magpiemakingdo

        No shame in that though! I’ve found that the more you love something and want something, the easier it is to worry about it – at least for me anyway. Just remember, you got this!

        Reply
        • bluchickenninja

          I worry about stuff anyway so… Its actually really funny. I’ve been worrying about college so much today I haven’t had time to worry about my dentist appointment tomorrow. I’m not sure if this is a good thing.

        • Magpiemakingdo

          Well, if you feel anything close to the kind of fear re: the dentist that I do, it probably is! Hahaha, good luck tomorrow!

  5. sigmatheta

    That was a great post. I know the feeling and I know from my own experience that it doesn’t take an illness or sth. along those lines to be terrified of taking these big steps. This feeling is what lets you know that it’s important.

    Reply
    • bluchickenninja

      I don’t know, it feels weird. I was supposed to go back to college last year. I even accepted a place on the course. But around July time my doctor and I decided that I wasn’t well enough to go back. And now I still don’t feel well enough to go back but I don’t want to wait another year.

      Reply
  6. Maria

    Congratulations submitting the application. When we love something sometimes it scares us and that’s because we care so much. You’re going to be great just wait and see πŸ™‚

    Reply
  7. Charlie

    Do it anyway seems to be my motto in life. Do it anyway. I’m also pretty sure that we’ve all felt scared at some point in their lives, even if we think we shouldn’t feel like it. It doesn’t make it any less scary but there are those of us who have your (virtual) back.

    Reply
  8. moonike

    Someone once said, if it’s both terrifying and amazing, then do it! πŸ™‚ It’s too easy to find excuses not to do something, yet you cannot know if you are able to tackle something or not, until you try. Good luck!!

    Reply
  9. smtnewbie

    Ah yes. I know all about that voice! I was off work for 9 weeks (after my maternity leave) as I was suffering with anxiety. That was 2 years ago, and I still have to battle with that voice. The best way I found of dealing with it was to challenge that voice constantly…persistently, challenge what it is saying to you. Once you start doing that, your fear becomes smaller, your rational voice kicks in. I don’t know what your illness is, but I think it can work for all situations. Go for it…getting back out there and doing something you enjoy will make it all worthwhile. I wish you all the best.

    Reply
    • bluchickenninja

      Its scary, I’m signing up to do a course and I don’t know if I’m well enough to do it. The only way I will know if I’m well enough is if I actually do it (I have CFS btw). Thank you πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • smtnewbie

        At least you are going to try and not presume you can’t do it. I really admire that spirit! The voice will always be there, you just need to reason with it a little xx

        Reply
  10. The Scarlet Elf

    someone said intuition is the voice of God and he speaks through the Heart, so listen to your own intuition and don’t worry about the others as you won’t be working with them! Best of luck!

    Reply
  11. curtisbausse

    Good post there, Emma, the lucidity and honesty shine through. And they will be what help you tackle whatever you find when you’re out of your comfort zone. And not just tackle, succeed.

    Reply
  12. Jason George

    You’re doing better than me. I know what I’m scared of, bit I still haven’t really faced my fears well enough to do something about them. Good for you bluchicken… You’re doing better than most. At least you’ve made the effort and filled out the app. I wish you luck on your college thing.

    Reply
    • bluchickenninja

      Jason, do the thing you’re scared of. I know from experience that sitting around thinking about the thing I’m scared of just makes it worse.

      Oh and thank you πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • Jason George

        I’ve always had a tendency to follow the path of least resistance. Too used to failing I guess. Anyway, I’m taking your advice and trying to follow the dream. It’s amazing what a person becomes usedd to. And sad, too. But you’re right in that thinking about it just makes it worse. So, I’ll try to focus less on the thinking and more of the doing.

        Reply
  13. Laissez Faire

    Hey, it’s Red! Thanks for stopping by my blog, and I’m glad you liked my story. Every time I hit the publish button I also fell a little sick. It’s hard to put yourself out there, but do it. Nothing is lost in the trying; only the regrets in the never doing.

    Reply
  14. crumpledpapercranes

    As most others have already stated, actually filling out the application and pressing “submit” is amazing in itself. Most people wouldn’t even bother because of the negative feelings. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and see how it works out. Don’t worry so much about the disability aspect, or using the illness or whatever other thought you have that’s negative. Just know that you love what you love, and go after it.

    Reply
  15. prhilton

    Good luck with all that you do. The little voice is only useful to keep us grounded. Beyond that it just gets in the way. You have said yourself that you know you have improved and that college is there to teach you to be even better. You would be surprised how many people have some kind of illness or disability these days, but it doesn’t stop them. The important thing is to take one thing at a time and to try to live in the moment, not worry about disappointments from yesterday or what if’s which might happen in the future. My way is to have as much fun and laughter as I can get, more books than I can possibly read and plenty of great music and movies. Oh and of course to make time to relax. Enjoy the moments πŸ™‚

    Reply
  16. ccglazier

    It’s not what you can’t do that matters – it’s what you can do. Focus on that. Do that. You’ll be fine. *From someone who has dealt with a disability for 43 years.

    Reply
  17. arebelscause

    Since I am almost done with my studies and over here they are terrible from my point of view, I want to wish you godspeed and be perseverant. The most important thing is to bite so to speak. Never let go and you will make it. You can do it!
    regards ARC

    Reply

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